i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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