Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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