I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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