Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
