He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
