Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
