life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
