She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
