new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
