You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
