i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
