The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
