I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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