I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
