you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
