Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
