That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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