Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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