I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
