My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
