Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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