Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
