Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
