I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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