God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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