Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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