I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
