Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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