i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
