Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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