He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
