Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
