First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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