Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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