its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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