My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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