Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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