This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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