Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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