I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
