i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
