You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
