I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
