ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
