i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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