tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
