I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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