i wish my penis had a tongue
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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