Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
