I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
