How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
