mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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