Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There's always time for handjobs
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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