I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
